Hey there, Steve here and welcome to this week’s private eye post on signs of cheating. Before I cover the signs, I want to talk briefly about the different types of affair and how likely you are to see the warning signs.
First, your husband might not have committed any kind of physical act — yet! But he may be cheating on you emotionally.
You might be able to spot this type of cheating early on. If you don’t, and it leads to a physical and emotional affair (see the third point below) then you may start to see more obvious signs of cheating.
Secondly, your husband might have committed a one-off physical act with someone he just met. And if he’s not intent on repeating the occasion with the same person, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to spot this type of cheating. Unless he does something stupid, like leave a condom wrapper somewhere you can find it, or worse doesn’t use a condom, and has to explain how you both contracted an STD.
Thirdly, your husband might be having an affair with someone he’s emotionally invested in, or he’s physically intimate with on a regular basis. You should be able to discover the truth about these affairs as your husband will have to lie more frequently about what he’s up to. More lies mean more chances of discovery.
Disclaimer: Although it’s likely, just because someone displays signs of cheating, it doesn’t mean they are committing adultery. Nothing is 100%. For help with an individual situation, please contact us or use the live chat feature on this page. Your first call is completely free and will be handled in the strictest confidence.
One last thing. People aren’t stupid. Long gone are the days when serial cheats would leave obvious clues for you to catch them out. They’re more likely to have a second phone, a second social media account, a second email address and even a second bank account. They’re likely to build routines to match their requirements. Or even create time gaps before they move on to their next partner. So, if you have a gut instinct that something isn’t right, don’t wait. Just call us and we’ll help you find out for sure.
#1 Together Forever But Never Together
It used to be that you would spend lots of time together. But now you’ve been married a few years, it’s a quick kiss goodbye in the morning, and a quick kiss goodnight. He spends all his time at work, at the gym, out with his mates, playing golf at the weekends and a hundred other things. You’re never doing something together. It’s almost as if you’re living separate lives under the same roof. You don’t really know what he’s doing. It’s obvious something is wrong, and when you do suggest the two of you do something, he’s immediately got an excuse of why he can’t partake. These are the types of cases where we sometimes find a husband has been having an affair for years, or leading a double life!
Not-so-obvious signs of cheating can seem trivial at first. For example, we had a case where a tradie had been treated by a chiropractor for a back problem. He continued to have an appointment every week for 3 years. When we investigated, we found he was spending his time and money with another woman. He eventually admitted to his wife that he’d only ever had six chiropractic appointments, but had kept up the charade to give himself time and money.
#2 Changing Gears
There’s nothing wrong with change. Most people like to think of themselves as up and go-getters, who live bright, full and exciting lives. The truth is that we all fall into a routine, and once we’re there, we’re difficult to move.
I heard of an extreme case of this happening in Scotland. A married father of two kids went hiking in the mountains, and didn’t return home. He was reported missing by his wife a day later. The authorities found his car, launched a large-scale Search and Rescue and couldn’t find him. He was presumed dead.
Years later, he was discovered living in Canada, was married and had two more children with his new wife. When questioned about what happened, he said he was walking along a street in Glasgow, and a stone block fell off the roof of a building that was being constructed. The block landed just a few metres in front of him. Realising he could have died, he said he felt he hadn’t lived his life how he wanted. He wanted a new life full of adventure and faked his death so he could go and travel. After a couple of years, he had ended up in a similar situation to the one he had fled.
That’s the power of routine.
So, if your man changes what he’s doing, it’s a good time to make sure you understand the reasons why. Common changes when people are cheating include going to the gym for the first time in years, buying a new wardrobe, and picking up a new hobby.
#3 All Work And No Play
Work is by far the biggest excuse that cheats use to get the time they need to cheat. Working early, working late, a business meeting at a weekend, or even a trip away are all signs of a cheat.
The worst part is that sometimes all of these things are necessary for work too. This means you’re unlikely to think anything is wrong the first few times your partner uses this excuse. But if it’s got to the point where he’s always working until 9pm, and he used to be home at 5pm, then it’s a clear warning sign.
#4 Mind Your Mannerisms
When a person spends time with someone new that they like, they can pick up new language and mannerisms. This is because the way we build a rapport with people is by mirroring them. As the saying goes, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”
If your husband has a new saying, or acts differently around you compared with how he would usually, then he must have picked that up somewhere. The question you need to answer, is where?
Catching a cheat out by some kind of monumental discovery is highly unlikely. People are much cleverer than we often give them credit for. It’s usually just a single act, or something that doesn’t quite add up that can give you the first warning sign. From there you’ll usually need to keep a journal to make sure that timelines make sense and then seek professional the help of investigator surveillance.
Follow us on Facebook for more information signs of cheating and how to get help if you think you need to.
Until next week,